We live such monogamous lives.
We’re not just afraid of plurality, we’re entirely afraid of the infinite. We’re afraid of all that can’t be seen and touched. We live a duality with our love of the internet in that it gives us access to all but we are insufficiently tooled with the ability to actually obtain and comprehend it all. This is terrifying.
This is also why we both love and hate marriage. To be married is to obtain it all, but it is also to know that you can be closer to someone than anyone else is on the planet and still not fully understand the full depth of their person.
My mind only lets me love what it can comprehend, yet it fantasizes with unexperienced realities in a hope that there is something more love-able outside those confines. This is the societal struggle with all forms of love. How can you have a love for a couple in a homosexual relationships if you have not understood what it is like to be a homosexual? And that same brain makes me wonder, how can you love your job knowing that their might be better jobs out there? The push and pull is relentless, and the relentlessness is so overwhelming that it can become sedating.
I’m finally beginning to feel like I “get” love. It’s always seemed so much bigger than me—like a poem I can memorize but I could never write. But lately it’s so simple without actually becoming any smaller or insignificant.
It is plurality. It is bigger than me, but it is also just the right size. Like trudging through the infinite and seeing the final milestone, I feel refreshed in my understanding that I have had a place in this task. That I have a gift to give that is bigger than just being myself or being someone worthy of a laugh. There is an opportunity to be bigger than a guy whose thoughts are worthy of giving company to. In this moment: no longer is uniqueness, or individuality, the priority of my life.
And in the beauty of the paradigm, I know that I am still being monogamous in this thought. I know that tomorrow I will be dual in my hate, and the next day triple in my confusion. But for the first time, in the repertoire of my talents, I feel like I can be loving and that that love can be felt.
I have finally learned to love, and I am no longer afraid of dying alone.